Rebecca's Fearbusters: The Blog!

Ever Beat Yourself Up For Being Human?

2008-05-07T12:11:00.002-04:00

In this month's article (below) I come clean about how viscious I can be toward myself for being (GASP!) HUMAN (as if there's anything else I COULD be!). Does the article resonate with you? How super-human do you expect yourself to be? Or are you compassionate toward your own humanity? (And if so, do you have tips for the rest of us how you got that way?).

One thing we all have in common is our humanity--what would happen if we let ourselves BE human and love ourselves just as we are?

Let me know your thoughts!

:-) Rebecca :-)

Article: Being Supremely Human and Loving Ourselves Anyway

2008-05-07T12:09:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a networking meeting with a colleague. She's an entrepreneurial dynamo in the entertainment industry. I LOVE her energy and excitement about the numerous projects she's working on and how open to new ventures she is. What drives her (new ideas, risk, accomplishment) are the very things that threaten my core need of safety. So, while I find her fascinating, I'm simultaneously intimidated by her because I want so much to be like her and I'm not (yet).

So we had an appointment last night, and for the first time in a LONG time, I showed up as a person I barely recognized. I was stiff, nervous, not particularly open and VERY hard on myself. I made it through the conversation, but I wasn't happy about it when I got off the phone.
So, just as I coach my clients to do, I reached out to a friend for support. I had thought that all I needed was to ground myself by talking to someone who loved me and who I wasn't intimidated by, but it turned out that what I actually needed was something different.

After telling my friend what happened on the call and how angry at myself I was for being so stiff and unlike myself, my friend (who's also a coach) said, "So you were scared and you acted scared. What's wrong with that? You were just being human, weren't you?"

"Yeah, but I'm not supposed to be THAT human!" I said.

I hadn't even realized I'd been harboring this belief that there were limits on how human I could be. The truth is, I'm as human as everybody else: I'm mistake and intimidation prone and when I'm afraid, I act afraid. Yet, I'd been holding myself to a standard of "being human" that wasn't allowing me to be human at all.

My friend suggested I consider what it would look like for me to accept that when I'm nervous I'm probably going to act it and to look at how differently I would feel about the situation if I EXPECTED myself to be scared and to not judge it.

I actually burst into tears.

The idea of LETTING myself be intimidated was mind-blowing to me. What a relief to let myself BE nervous and tongue-tied without judging myself for it! I don't like being either of those things, but they're actually FAR better than being those things AND beating myself up for it at the same time.
Over the coming weeks I will have at least a few more interactions with the dynamo woman and my goal is to let myself be whoever I'm going to be, without any nasty judgment on myself. My intention is to go into every interaction with her being as real as I can be, even if that means showing up tongue-tied and floundering. I want to come out of every interaction with her acknowledging myself for showing up and for doing the best I can, even if the best I can do is ridiculously stiff and awkward. I want to be compassionate to myself and love myself even AS I'm being stiff and awkward.

Do you have situations in your life like this one, where you're expecting yourself to be different than you are? What could you do to take those expectations off of yourself? How would it feel to let them go? What intention would you like to have so that you can feel good about any and every situation where you realize you'll be acting SUPREMELY HUMAN, even though you want to be SUPER HUMAN?

This week, I challenge you (and me!) to be compassionate to your (our) humanity. To honor your feelings, act on your commitments, and love yourself no matter what. To err is human. So the truth is, if we're erring, we're actually doing a great job! We're out there being what we are: human. And we're doing it beautifully!

Did I Tell You How Cute You Are?

2008-04-09T13:53:00.003-04:00

Ah! Flattery!

In the below article (Flattery & Bad Decision Making) I came clean with my own weakness for flattery. What about you? Does flattery affect you in your life? Have you ever thought about it before? How would your life be different if you were immune to it?

And what's your opinion on the the line between receiving a compliment and letting it blind you? Do you have a plan for dealing with it if flattery blindness affects you the way it affects me?

Inquring minds want to know!

:-) Rebecca

Article: Flattery & Bad Decision Making: Are You Susceptible?

2008-04-09T13:51:00.000-04:00

I have a confession to make. I love praise. I love it when people think I'm talented or special or great. Most people do, on some level. Even my cat loves it when I coo, "good girl!" when she's done something I approve of. But here's the problem-when I feel like I'm being praised, I'm gravely at risk of ignoring things my heart and gut tell me. So much so, that, at times, I practically go intuitively deaf.

Have you ever had this happen-you're out on a date with someone and they begin to tell you how attractive you are, how smart, how interesting you are? After a few choice compliments and acknowledgements, do you notice that you'd do anything to keep this person around so they will tell you those things more often, no matter who they are?

What about in your work life? Do you find yourself agreeing to projects that, afterward, you wonder why you agreed to them, but if you trace it back, the person asking for your help was pouring on the praise?
In the past, I've found myself taking on clients who were wrong for me because they slathered on the praise about what a great coach I was. Frankly, it's embarrassing to admit to myself that I could be so easily blinded, so easily bought. But, just like my cat, who loves being a "good girl" and comes running when I call her, there is a need in me for appreciation, admiration, and love.

Realizing this can be liberating. Years ago, when I read "The Rules," I took to heart that men will say almost anything on the first few dates to entice a woman, so I stopped paying attention to any talk of 'our future,' or any compliments a guy might bring up-or, I should say, I took them with a grain of salt and then spent my time concentrating on what REALLY mattered-aka, whether I liked this person or not and whether I thought they would be compatible with me. So, generally speaking, I'm FAR less susceptible to flattery when I'm dating than I am in other areas of my life where I'm not expecting it.

The thing about dating is that I EXPECT there to be flattery-I mean, what's the point of dating someone if they don't find me scrumptiously interesting and attractive? In work, though, I forget to expect it, and that's when it blindsides me.

When a potential client is telling me how brilliant I am-which, on occasion, I very well may be-it's very important that I remember that the reason I'm having a discussion with them is to see whether or not we're a good coaching match-I'm determining if I could actually help them, if they're actually ready for coaching, if they're willing to do the work involved to change their life, and whether I would actually enjoy being on the phone with them regularly. But when I'm busy thinking, "Wow! She thinks I'm brilliant! That must mean I could really help her, since she obviously thinks so highly of me!" when I'm thinking that, I'm actually NOT thinking about the potential client at all-I'm only seduced by their flattery. It's the flattery I like, not necessarily THEM.

So, what do I do about it? I do like I did with dating-I remember to expect it. Just like I'm susceptible to colds in the winter so I wash my hands more often, I remember that I am also susceptible to flattery. Which means that I must take it with a grain of salt. By that I mean, I can absolutely receive the praise but then, as I say "Thank you" and file the praise away, I get back to the business of listening to my heart and my gut to tell me whether this is a person or situation I actually want to be involved with-AS IF THEY HAD NEVER PRAISED ME AT ALL. That's what I've found works to turn up the volume on my silenced intuition-once I take the flattery OUT of the equation, I can hear my heart and gut again.

How often do you find yourself allowing people and situations to enter your life because you feel flattered, complimented, needed? Do you regret those choices later? What would happen if you took in the praise (heck, it may be TRUE, after all!) and then pretended like it never happened and THEN made your decision about the situation? Would that change the outcome? I invite you to try it this week.

Turning Complaints Into Gratitudes

2008-03-12T12:55:00.002-04:00

In this month's Rebecca's Fearbusters The Newsletter! Article (below), I talk about using complaints as a basis for creating gratitudes--I'd love to hear from YOU--got a complaint you want to turn into a gratitude? Got a gratitude you're amazed you pulled out of a complaint? Share it here! I'd love to hear them!!!!!

Take care,
Rebecca

Article: What the *?!#% Do You Mean, What Am I Grateful For?

2008-03-12T12:52:00.000-04:00

There are times in life when the LAST thing we feel is grateful. Angry, resentful, victimized, furious, yes. Grateful? Not a chance!

All folks involved with Fearless Living know that writing down 5 gratitudes a day is an important step in building the lives we want to be living. But one of the most avoided (yet most meaty and fun!) areas of gratitude writing is creating gratitudes based on those things we COMPLAIN about. Doing so can actually turn into a hilarious, creative and freeing experience.

Now, I don't know about you, but when I'm complaining about something, I can be pretty passionate about it. One particular, recurrent complaint I have is that I hate that my downstairs neighbor plays super loud & angry hip hop music around 11 or 12 at night. He's also kind of scary, so asking him to turn it down is a dicey proposition, so I've decided to live with the noise, but there are times when I HATE it! My floor vibrates, I have to turn my own TV up to hear it, and the only way I can sleep is to mask the noise with my a/c.

Clearly, it's a valid complaint. It would bother other people too. But just mentioning it feels icky, heavy, and draining to me--and I don't want to feel icky, heavy, or drained.

But how's this for fun?

What do you suppose I could be grateful about when his music is playing? Because there are quite a few VALID things that I could be truly grateful for and FEEL grateful for in this situation.

Here are a few:
I'm grateful that I can vacuum at 11pm when my downstairs neighbor's music is on full blast and I won't bother anybody.
I'm grateful that I can afford to live in Manhattan, right by the water.
I'm grateful that I live in a building with other people instead of in a building that was cavernous and empty.
I'm grateful that I remember how much fun it can be to listen to my favorite songs really loudly.
I'm grateful that I can hear so well.
I'm grateful for the soft cushions on my couch because they don't vibrate as much as the floor when his music is playing.
I'm grateful that my neighbor is kind of insane because it gives me regular opportunities to bless him and to remember he's god's well-loved child too.

See how creative and fun those can be? Did any of those make you laugh? Make you think differently? Did any of those feel as heavy as the original complaint?

What my clients and I find so fun about turning complaints into gratitudes is how MANY gratitudes we can think up for situations that we used to think were hopeless and victimizing. And it often gives us new ideas how to approach the situations. For instance, it's actually really nice, sometimes to vacuum my living room in the middle of the night-I may not have been able to do it before then, so it's kind of cool to have the freedom to make as much noise as I want in the middle of the night. It's also a great time for me to do exercise DVDs that include a lot of jumping around-I know my neighbor won't even hear it.

So how about you? What's a complaint you've got today? I challenge you to find 5-10 things you can be grateful for in the situation. And if you get stuck, it may be time for you to set up your first appointment with me--and let's begin!

Happy February!

2008-02-09T18:28:00.000-05:00

February is my favorite month. Here in the Northeast, it's often the coldest, grayest month. Most folks are thoroughly sick of winter by the time February rolls around. But I love it.

Why?

Because my birthday is in February! It's a bright spot (for me anyway!) in the middle of a month that can be pretty hard to take.

Valentine's Day is also in February--which can be a mixed bag, for me, though my mom usually sends me a cute and, often funny, card, which I always enjoy.

How do you feel about February? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? If you love it, what do you love about it? If you hate it, what do you do to make the month as painless as possible?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Happy Feb!

:-) Rebecca

What Are Your Top Fear Responses?

2007-12-11T20:27:00.000-05:00

In this month's Rebecca's Fearbusters: The Newsletter! Article (see below post) you got to watch me stumble through a course of my fear responses. Did any of them seem familiar to you? When you take risks, how do you notice when you're in fear? Are there any fear responses you do a lot? (Like eating, procrastinating, talking a mile a minute) Are there others you do that are more subtle? Even surprising? (Like my knocking over the water bottle--twice!).

I'd love to hear how you know when you're on your Wheel of Fear!

After all, the first step to Freedom is realizing we're in Fear so we can do something about it!

Rock on!

Rebecca :-)

The Subtleties of Fear: What it REALLY Looks Like!

2007-12-11T20:22:00.000-05:00

How do you know when you're "in fear?"

Sometimes, it's obvious: you're shaking, stammering, your heart rate is up. You think to yourself, "I feel like diving under my desk or running away. I'm totally shaking and my stomach is filled with butterflies, I must be in Fear!" Having fear be obvious to us is great, because it allows us to choose what to do about it if we want to.

However, for anyone who's scratched the surface of the Fearless Living work, it quickly becomes clear that finding out when we're "in fear" isn't often obvious at all. By the time we get that adrenaline surge or the fight or flight response, we've probably had clues for a long time that we were in fear, and most of those clues probably didn't look like fear at all.
Here's an example. Last night I went to a get-together with a group called Linkup.It was essentially like a group acquaintance blind date, designed to help folks meet other people while doing fun activities.

Here's how the day of the event went down. See if you can spot when fear showed up for me.

I spent the morning updating my website, calling into a teleclass, talking to my mother on the phone about a car accident that happened on my street. I looked at the weather report, decided what clothes I should wear to the event that night. I watched a dvd, ordered sushi. After eating the sushi, I had a few m&ms. Then I had a few more. Then I ate some peanut butter with my m&ms even though I was full already from the sushi. I thought my sweater was itchy so I switched to a fleece. Then I brushed my hair and changed the style of it twice. I checked my email, printed out the list of people coming to the event, noticed my hands shaking as I typed. I went into my room because my fleece seemed too warm and I knocked over a water bottle that was on my floor (cap was on it, thank goodness!). I changed my fleece and knocked the same water bottle over again on my way out of the room. I turned on my iTunes and listened to a Kelly Clarkson song while I checked the clock to decide how soon I should leave. While my iTunes was playing, I turned on the TV to check the weather report again. I checked the time again. I rummaged through a drawer to find my watch. I decided not to wear my watch. I looked at the clock again and realized that if I didn't leave immediately, I'd be late. I left the house, walked to the store. On the way, I thought about turning around and not going. I kept walking, got to the store, my hands were shaking, my adrenaline had shot up, I was fidgety, and I made myself go into the event.

Can you tell when fear showed up for me? What was the moment I got on my Wheel of Fear?

Granted, you may not know what my particular fear responses are. (For those of you unfamiliar with Fearless Living tools-a 'fear response' is how one acts when they're afraid or 'in fear'). Clearly I was in fear by the time my adrenaline shot up. But if I'd been paying attention, the very first moment I got on my Wheel of Fear was the moment I thought it would be a good idea to order Sushi. If I missed it (which I did!), my next clue was eating my second handful of m&ms (I missed that clue too!). Almost everything I did after adding peanut butter to my m&ms-feeling uncomfortable in my fleece, double checking the weather report, turning on iTunes when I should have been leaving the house, bumping into the water bottle (twice!)-all of those things were fear responses. All of them could have told me I was in fear. I didn't actually notice it myself until I knocked the water bottle over the second time-but the moment I noticed it, I acknowledged how nervous I was and I noticed how subtle it was, too. When I bumped into the bottle, my heart wasn't pounding, my body wasn't filled with adrenaline, I didn't feel like running away. Pretty freakin' sneaky, if you ask me. Yet it was obvious, once I knew what to look for, that I was definitely in fear.

How about you? When was the last time you were doing something risky that made you afraid? Can you trace back how you behaved before it to find out when you first were in fear? Being able to identify fear as soon as possible when it pops up gives us the power to not be its victim. We can't change what we don't recognize and the faster we can recognize fear, the faster we can take steps to get out of it.

I challenge you this week to notice when you're displaying fear responses-is it when you eat too much? Start spending money? Start saying things you don't mean? Procrastinate? Get indecisive? Take a look at your behavior and see if you can spot the actions that are really signs that you're in fear. Doing so is the first step toward living in freedom!

How Automatic is Gratitude For You?

2007-11-11T18:47:00.000-05:00

This month's article in Rebecca's Fearbusters: The Newsletter centered around the surprising gratitude I felt while in the midst of food poisoning (to read the entire article, see below post). I, personally, was shocked that I'd automatically go into gratitude mode, especially while retching my guts out. The truth is, though, I think I've never had my sense of gratitude tested that way before, so how would I have known it would be automatic?

What I want to know, is how automatic is it for you? Do you have to work at being grateful while in a challenging (or even super-yucky!) situation? Do you even remember to do it? Would you like it to be automatic? What are your thoughts on the subject? And how do you think you could make it possible for a state of gratitude to be automatic for you, no matter what is going on around you?

Rock on!

Rebecca :-)

Article: Gratitude...in Food Poisoning?

2007-11-11T18:46:00.001-05:00

Fearless Living is big on “doing gratitudes” when we’d rather be complaining about something so that we’ll open up a little more space to possibility, empowerment, and perhaps even happiness in a situation that we may find unpleasant.

Three days ago, I found myself in a detestable situation. Smack dab in the middle of the International Coach Federation’s annual conference, I got food poisoning. And I hate throwing up more than pretty much ANYTHING. Since I was 13, I could count on ONE hand how often I’ve thrown up—until three days ago, where I upped the count in 5 hours to all ten fingers and a number of toes. I was miserable.

Because this bout of food poisoning lasted for so many hours, and because I had no idea how long it would continue to last, I had to keep my mind occupied in some way. So, in between sweaty, tearful prayers to God to hurry this process up and heal my body and feverish moments of relief leaning against the tub or falling asleep on the cold, tile floor, I, at first, started asking questions like, “Why is this happening to me? Why is this happening right now? Are my friends mad that I’ve had to cancel my plans with them? Wil my roommates hate me because I’m retching in the next room?”

Not exactly healing and empowering self-talk. And I was definitely in the need of some healing, or at the very least, some hope.

Then, at the strangest moment, I got some.

(The squeamish might want to skip ahead) In the middle of getting sick for about the 6th time—my stomach was practically empty, yet my body was clearly trying to wring out every drop of poison from my body—using muscles I didn’t even know I had to do the job. In the middle of it, jaw killing, capillaries bursting all over my face, me having some vague thought that if I heaved too hard, might I vault off the floor and drown in the toilet? In the middle of all of that, I found myself thinking, “God, I am SO grateful my body wants to heal me this much and I’m SO grateful it knows what to do to make that happen.”

HUH?

This, from me who opted for tylenol after surgery when the oxycodone my surgeon prescribed for me made me nauseous? I’m suddenly grateful I’m throwing up?

I was intrigued that my body seemed to know what it was doing and suddenly, the gratitudes started rushing in. Over the next couple of hours I noticed how supremely grateful I was for my toothbrush, for the sheet my roommate brought me to wrap up in, for my body somehow knowing it had more poison to get out of me. I was grateful for the running water in my bathroom and the momentary relief I’d feel after throwing up.

And if that wasn’t enough, the most amazing thing happened. While clinging to the toilet, I began to think, “Hey, I wonder what good could come out of this whole situation? I wonder what God could have in mind that this might actually be a great thing that’s happening to me?” Seriously, mid-retch I thought this!

My gratitudes helped me to actually find possibility even while I was puking my guts out. And by the time I was done getting sick (about 15 times in total), I was in a substantially more positive mood than I’d EVER been after getting sick. Not only that, my wondering what good could come of the whole thing actually put me into a much more open state of mind that allowed me to enjoy and make the most of the limited time I had left at the conference—even though I was too ill to go to any more meals or lectures.

Gratitudes and the habit of being grateful did that for me. I know that if I hadn’t been training my mind over the years to be grateful even when I’m clearly not happy about a situation had paid off. If it could occur to me in the middle of getting sick to be grateful, then I had definitely made substantial inroads to my own ability to be empowered, happy, and open. That’s not to say I enjoyed getting sick. I didn’t enjoy it & I would have preferred to skip the whole exercise—but (here I go again!) I am grateful it happened because it showed me how deeply being grateful has become a part of who I am.

How about you? How automatic is gratitude for you? When you’re slammed with something detestably negative, how long does it take for you to find something in it to be grateful for? Do you remember to do it? Do you have to force yourself to do it? Would you like it to be automatic?

Had today been a few years ago, I’d still be feeling sorry for myself that I missed a day and a half of the workshop and that I’d spent so much time getting to know the tiles on my bathroom floor. But instead, I’m seriously grateful for the experience. I wouldn’t want to repeat it, of course, but I am actually looking back on it positively, sincerely surprised at the depth of my gratitude.

My wish for you is that you find it as automatic to be grateful as it turned out to be for me, if not more so.

So this week, I challenge you: what are you grateful for?